Why Anger Management Does Not Work?

It is common sense that the root cause of anger lies in disappointment; a disappointment which comes from failure in the meeting of expectations. However, not every expectation leads to disappointment and not every loss of hope, we land up consuming both the components of energy or one.

When anger is projected on the person, we are angry with, we either feel drained out, satisfied or hopeless.  This indicates what component of disappointment leads to anger. Simply put, only expectations which are tied to our survival lead to anger. Now, we all have our own definition of survival. Here survival is more attributed to emotional survival than physical survival. This is the reason why, in any situation, two people can have different emotions when hit by disappointment.

Every moment that we live, we live with hope and hope gives birth to expectation. Since the definition of our survival is programmed in interdependence, our expectations are largely turned towards others. Therefore, almost every moment spent with expectation carries the potential to turn into anger. Moments spent without hope are moments without curiosity, which quicken the process of ageing. With age, we turn hopeless all the time in our relationships, career, family and self. We often dub it as ‘maturity’. This is the state where we turn anger inwards which begins to erode our spirit to live. 

Amongst all the negative emotions, anger is the most fatal one. Since it directly implies a threat to survival, it draws all life force energy through its two major components – sexuality and emotionality. Depending upon the intensity of disappointment components of life force are consumed. If satisfied, then ego is intact and it is already an anger disorder. In contrast to this, when the same components are used in lovemaking or sex, it enhances our creativity. Therefore, the outburst of anger has a reverse polarity to orgasm. It is procreative energy turned destructive. This is how anger kept suppressed is destructive to your health and well-being. 

Since it is an immensely powerful emotion, it is almost impossible to do any anger management. Regardless of where you turn your anger; inward or outward, you always land up damaging your well-being. Your health is directly proportionate to your well-being. 

There are known expectations and we do a lot of work to ensure they are met, by nurturing relationships and investing in them. This is how we continue to remain stable vis-a-vis our ecosystem and often account for it as happiness. The problem with anger is that there are unknown factors working inside and there are unknown numerous expectations which we are unaware of. We are often caught by surprise in situations where we discover disappointment. It is a double whammy acting upon us subconsciously. The inner void is on a constant increase, in the urban setup, more so than in other suburban and rural living. The need to be loved and appreciated is only growing higher, alongside, the sheer lifestyle we lead resulting in increased expectations, with a need for due gratification. One leads to another. It is like two beggars scratching each other’s back and causing wounds in the process. 

Is it possible to reverse the polarity of anger and create bliss within? Can we transform the destructive energy back to its original form-procreative energy? Here is a sincere attempt at bringing the science to you in a nutshell- 

  1. List down scenarios/events which make you angry. Leave all key issues aside and focus on micro-level scenarios such as when you reach home, you like to see your spouse not using the phone and kids not watching TV. Avoid judging if this is a rational or irrational expectation. 
  2. You can also do this by picking up major anger episodes of the recent past. Take one sample of time duration such as last week to first do a pilot project. It is important that you get to the pulse of this fine process before scaling it to your entire past years, where the seeds of all your expectations lie. 
  3. Now, from this list of situations of anger, take a step back and pay attention to underlying expectations. Just be here with them and do nothing about it. Keep them in your attention. 
  4. Next, feel (do not imagine) disappointment in these expectations and breath those emotions of loneliness, unworthiness, unloved or whatever else may come up. This is your truth. Your emotional body. Fragile and corrupted which you have been hiding, to build expectations. Once, you are in the acceptance of truth, there is no expectation from self and others. 

It may appear that you have been angry with others who have disappointed you. Gradually, you will discover that you are angry with yourself. The truth is: we are never angry with others or self; we are angry with our existence. We do not have faith. 

 

Responses

While drawing our algorithm, we start with identifying our symptoms. Do we look at our symptoms of today or from our childhood? Our tendencies also seem like they are about today and not from our childhood. How should I interpret this?

You can start with identifying your symptoms today and make your Algorithm identifying your Lack, Tendency and Pattern. It may seem like the tendencies are loud and clear today. This is only because as an adult, you are either more aware of it, or the tendency is more pronounced. However, if you go back to that age group of 7-14, you will find that the same tendency existed back then as well.  

For example – your lack is abandonment and so your tendency is need to prove/ excel. As an adult, you try extremely hard to prove yourself at work, but maybe as a ten-year-old you wanted to make sure that you win a colouring competition or feel worthy by collecting the maximum number of berries or fruits. 

 So, you would notice how the nature of tendency existed even back then – sometimes subtly, sometimes pronounced. It is just a matter of developing sensitivity to recognize it in that time and space. However, you can always work with current scenarios. 

Now that I have made my algorithm and have identified my lack, what do I do with this? Do I have to re-visit my childhood?

In every moment of disappointment – current or past, you can experience the lack. There are two ways to attend to the lack, once identified – 

  1.  You may simply keep your Algorithm/Lack in awareness by writing the events of the current time and go into breathing 
  2. You can revisit your childhood and write about moments that you experienced the Lack/Algorithm and once you have written a few events (in detail), you may lay down and begin to observe your breath. 

In either of the processes, your Algorithm/lack is in your complete awareness and observing your breath after this would only bring an expansion in your awareness. 

After finding my LTP and mapping my algorithm, I can see how I have suffered in my childhood and continue to do so. What can I do to remedy this and reverse my suffering?

 Since you are seeking the cure, you must know that state of meditation is the state of cure. The more you are in this state, the more you move towards light, thus curing your suffering.  

All the things which come into your awareness, must now be attended to by Observing your breath. For process of attending to what has surfaced, refer to Ques no 8 

Now that I have made my algorithm and have identified my lack, what do I do with this? Do I have to re-visit my childhood?

In every moment of disappointment – current or past, you can experience the lack. There are two ways to attend to the lack, once identified – 

  1.  You may simply keep your Algorithm/Lack in awareness by writing the events of the current time and go into breathing 
  1. You can revisit your childhood and write about moments that you experienced the Lack/Algorithm and once you have written a few events (in detail), you may lay down and begin to observe your breath. 

In either of the processes, your Algorithm/lack is in your complete awareness and observing your breath after this would only bring an expansion in your awareness.