Touch of pristine nature at its best was bringing in its beauty forth. The set-up of retreat itself announced its brimming high vibrational energies.
Manthan for me began with resistance to arrive. Simren ji guided me towards awareness of it with its eventual meltdown. Post it all, ways to reach venue kept aligning with ease despite delays in arrangements at my end. It was very interesting to meet all the co-participants of the group with Sindhu being my roommate and heartwarming thoughtful arrangements made by the entire team. Shabnam’s message of keeping in awareness of how our partners are important for journey brought some curiosity with eventual unfolding of her emotional distress in her reminded and showed the mirror to me with learning and inspiring curiosity of hers and understanding of such complex matters of life at such young age.
The first meeting of orientation n hearing everyone’s account was very heartwarming with amount of trust and surrender in the modality. Mihir ji’s account and narration was in particular very devoted one and inspired some deep thinking around it and probable love received in it. It was a treat to meet Shabnam my coach and very warm arrangements by her for the entire group. Commencement itself had started triggers in me for various lacks in me from unworthy to many more with some mirrors around me.
Naveen sir began classes with days to follow. As it has always been his narratives are highly engrossing and gripping with the message of truth wisdom and love. Flow charts of emotions have been revealing and coaxing some deep thinking and it was beautiful and magical to see everyone getting it pretty quick. It brings to my awareness the pain of mother being passed on to my son. I am bringing to more of awareness to origin of these emotions took me a while to get me in flow with my own reservations and habitual nature of observations prior to imbibing things. I loved the algorithm presented and sharpness around it. It helped me trace the patterns of my life becoming clear (and more so cry stalling as I am practicing at home). I realized that my fabric was mostly weaved with lack of unworthy un-loved and unaccepted with repeated tendencies to either turn aloof, proving myself or need to be nice or attracting attention depending on fodder of ego and hope. There are many patterns sinking, in I am still writing and ironing out details. With patterns of feeling disappointed to rejected, to left out with inquisitiveness to purpose of its happening and arriving at some wisdom sealing with self-love. It is also bringing to my awareness to trace my current energies to their origin. Most of the coaching with Shabnam was making sense and helping to put some pieces together. Subsequent lectures around morality, sexuality and life force energy also brought into light several facts, thus clearing some doubts.
Guided sessions under Naveen sir’s presence for hunting on parents and especially mother, in my case. Brought to surface many incidents with attached emotions and belief on parents’ pain. It has in some ways brought up desire to achieve in me and on some levels, which is reflected in my ecosystem in my son and husband as I am home. I intend to repeat these hunting a few times at home as my current triggers go down. The last two days were a surprise test :)) which announced me lacking. It still is a mild trigger and I am learning to take criticism in my stride which I thought I generally do with ease but found it way more intense here probably by being around my most heartfelt subjects. The last day too left me amazed with quiet some criticism from fellow participants around my quietness. It did leave me hurt and with some deep questioning and special criticism session for me. It surely breaks my ego and my observation of going in a shell or more careful way of conversations, misconstrued as an attempt to distance myself. Certainly, as inner work goes, I am working on core beliefs of unworthiness, unaccepted and as pointed high morality, anger around my mother’s death and hoping next meet will reflect and manifest better outer with better interactions with others. Where I felt I was in bliss before starting the course. The intensive course is bringing my deep hidden patterns especially in relation to building a wall around me n others’ perspective to it to light and hoping it will lead to deeper cleansing n some beliefs done over till the end. I also realize my dealing needs more writing so to be able to capture more details. It also makes me feel the love of people in some way to help me move where they felt I was not.
Naveen sir’s presence has been extremely calming and commands surrender. It’s been a treat to be a part of this again and witness a seer in him. It brings a meltdown of resistance in me and appreciation of courseware and leaps in years through the time I have had an opportunity to be with sir and the modality. I resonate with the beauty of fine detailing of every single point from needs to highest potentials and tools where every single aspect can be dealt with turning within and facing the lacks of self. I also appreciate the organization to record the layers explained which was missing in my own work and hence many details lost and many depths unnoticed. It brings a realization to take work little more with flow and sense of surrender, love, and gratitude. To me, Manthan brought a sense of surrender and stop for searching and struggle with self and follow the stuff. Manthan also left me with pain and small experience of void. It has been a learning and with a deep wish to know more to track patterns and be able to know purposes and see my story and be able to map other traits and do things beyond. The whole idea of this subject is very inspiring, exciting n invokes passion in me to try to rise over lacks in me.
I sincerely thank each and everyone to create the space to do what I needed to know though for certain purposes I am in process of resolving. To me energies of group were of some clear purposes. I thank the team, my coach Shabnam for clearing my doubts and being there for me and warm host for all. Tulika for her bubbly energies and immense hard work with the presentations and her sense of techniques. Mihirji for his devotional energies. I missed on meeting Simrenji. I would also like to extend my heartful gratitude to entire team synchronizing to make things happen in tandem. It surely feels valuable to be part of a set of people dedicated to inner work, support to each other to facilitate each other’s journey to see patterns and life more objectively.