I was so afraid to be lonely that I continued to indulge to fit in. – Amrita (Part 2)

Amrita Ghosh in conversation with Deep Pant (NV Life Fellow & Editor “Whispering Wisdom”) – Part 2/3

“I was so afraid to be lonely that I continued to indulge to fit in. I feel that my solitude shifted to loneliness due to the pressure of society, family, and friends who always tried to put me into a structure to fit in and what they expected of me.

(Read Part 1 here)

 

How did you come to know about NV Life?  

I knew Madhupa (an NV Life Fellow). Not that she is a very close friend but we knew each other through the Bengali community in our city. Every year during Durga Puja, I would meet her at the pandals and I had a good friend who was related to Madhupa. I would see this woman limping and walking with a stick. However, about 2 years back when I met her again, I saw her walking without the stick, not limping, and standing straight. 

I was intrigued. Like what have you done! Because I myself used to feel crippled from within every day of my life. Wearing the pain in my body 24/7 was not easy. I was not able to even wear two layers of clothing or a dress and carry a bag; anything would be a pain for me. Thyroid, Fibromyalgia, Osteoporosis, and severe Hormonal imbalance made daily life a huge struggle. In the last two years, I also suffered a second spinal fracture as well as a radial head fracture and concussion on my right hand. Getting back to normalcy was even more of an extra effort.  

Therefore, I asked her how she cured herself. In addition, she told me to buy the book “Meditation the Cure.”  I bought the book somewhere in September or October of 2019. I tried reading the book for six months but somehow I could not proceed. 

 

Why couldn’t you proceed? What was happening to you and how were you feeling when you started reading the book?  

I do not know. I felt there was a huge resistance in me. I tried reading it a few times and then just kept it aside after 6 months. Madhupa had guided me that even if I did not read the book, I should at least use cotton in my right nostril and try to breathe downwards. I tried doing that but I was not regular with that. 

Later when the first batch of Chetna came up, she called me, told me about the digital format, and guided me to join. Anyway, I was going to be stuck at home and definitely would have a lot of work but this was important for my health. She told me to consider this and think of this as an investment in myself. I was so desperate that I agreed. I had already gone everywhere, to all the best doctors in India and abroad, healers of all kinds who cheated me with a lot of money. Nothing had worked for me. This program was slightly expensive for me, yet I had faith in going ahead with it. I was desperate to give this a shot and that is how my journey with NV life started. 

 

When you joined the NV Life program, what changed in you? What fundamental shift did you feel in your life and in your overall awareness? 

I used to be an extreme extrovert, a very social person, an aggressive go-getter, and a hustler because normal living was so challenging for me that I would put extra effort to live normally. I would put more energy into things, which normal people did not do. I realized that, in the process of fitting in and wanting to be accepted, I had stopped being kind to my body. I stopped listening to my body. My health deteriorated so much due to fatigue that my career spiraled down considerably. I was struggling with my marriage as well. 

Virtually everything in my life was falling apart. I was just living mechanically. I lost my desire to live and somewhere an inner voice was telling me “only I could cure myself and no one else.” That voice was getting stronger and stronger and I did not know how to pay heed or what I needed to do with myself. Therefore, when I came to NV Life, what resonated with me was that “The Cure is within me” and it connected me back to my inner voice. 

 

When you realized that the cure is within you, how did it influence you? What shifted in your overall health and wellbeing?  

I realized that I have a choice not to fit in. To say no. To do things differently. To start all over from scratch if needed and I did not care if anyone judged me anymore. All these were huge shifts in my life. The other impact was that as a child, I used to be bullied so I used to enjoy my solitude. I would talk to my imaginary friends and watch the cloud on my ancestral terrace during vacations.

I would indulge in my imagination. My mother would get worried about my solitude and my habit of talking to myself. However, over the last 4 years, I started feeling very lonely because I had surrounded myself with fake and selfish friends. I did not feel comfortable. Deep down, I was aware that they were not the right people for me, but I was so afraid to be lonely that I continued to indulge to fit in. This period of lockdown was also a very difficult period for me because my neighbors made me feel isolated. However, during the programs, I used this as a trigger to hunt my feelings and arrive at my lack. 

 

Your journey has been intriguing from the joyful bliss you felt in your childhood to that solitude, becoming your loneliness later. There is a subtle difference between both. When did your solitude turn into your pain of loneliness and how through NV Life you went back to the bliss of solitude?  

I feel that my solitude shifted to loneliness due to the pressure of society, family, and friends who always tried to put me into a structure to fit in and what they expected of me at large. I, however, realized later during NV life, that I am a blend of extrovert and introvert.

Now, I am no longer just a compulsive extrovert and enjoying my newfound solitude, I am happy spending time with myself. My husband too felt that my interaction with the world at large is mostly connected to him or my mother and I no longer put myself out to talk to people.

I am in a happy space. It is my space. The solitude was already there, which was suppressed by the judgment and beliefs I had put on myself due to pressures of society, I broke that judgment and connected it to my solitude again. I am finally able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  

 

Read Part 3 to see the insights that helped Amrita nurture her transformation. 

Responses

While drawing our algorithm, we start with identifying our symptoms. Do we look at our symptoms of today or from our childhood? Our tendencies also seem like they are about today and not from our childhood. How should I interpret this?

You can start with identifying your symptoms today and make your Algorithm identifying your Lack, Tendency and Pattern. It may seem like the tendencies are loud and clear today. This is only because as an adult, you are either more aware of it, or the tendency is more pronounced. However, if you go back to that age group of 7-14, you will find that the same tendency existed back then as well.  

For example – your lack is abandonment and so your tendency is need to prove/ excel. As an adult, you try extremely hard to prove yourself at work, but maybe as a ten-year-old you wanted to make sure that you win a colouring competition or feel worthy by collecting the maximum number of berries or fruits. 

 So, you would notice how the nature of tendency existed even back then – sometimes subtly, sometimes pronounced. It is just a matter of developing sensitivity to recognize it in that time and space. However, you can always work with current scenarios. 

Now that I have made my algorithm and have identified my lack, what do I do with this? Do I have to re-visit my childhood?

In every moment of disappointment – current or past, you can experience the lack. There are two ways to attend to the lack, once identified – 

  1.  You may simply keep your Algorithm/Lack in awareness by writing the events of the current time and go into breathing 
  2. You can revisit your childhood and write about moments that you experienced the Lack/Algorithm and once you have written a few events (in detail), you may lay down and begin to observe your breath. 

In either of the processes, your Algorithm/lack is in your complete awareness and observing your breath after this would only bring an expansion in your awareness. 

After finding my LTP and mapping my algorithm, I can see how I have suffered in my childhood and continue to do so. What can I do to remedy this and reverse my suffering?

 Since you are seeking the cure, you must know that state of meditation is the state of cure. The more you are in this state, the more you move towards light, thus curing your suffering.  

All the things which come into your awareness, must now be attended to by Observing your breath. For process of attending to what has surfaced, refer to Ques no 8 

Now that I have made my algorithm and have identified my lack, what do I do with this? Do I have to re-visit my childhood?

In every moment of disappointment – current or past, you can experience the lack. There are two ways to attend to the lack, once identified – 

  1.  You may simply keep your Algorithm/Lack in awareness by writing the events of the current time and go into breathing 
  1. You can revisit your childhood and write about moments that you experienced the Lack/Algorithm and once you have written a few events (in detail), you may lay down and begin to observe your breath. 

In either of the processes, your Algorithm/lack is in your complete awareness and observing your breath after this would only bring an expansion in your awareness.