I was drowning in hopelessness & fear. – Ujjwala

Ujjwala Sahni (Name Changed) in conversation with Deep Pant (NV Life Fellow & Editor Whispering Wisdom) 

 

Pranam Ujjwala. Thank you for your time today for this call. As informed earlier, this interaction intends to know more about your journey with NV Life and the impact it had on your overall health & wellbeing & quality of life so far.  

So, let us begin with knowing a little more about you and your life journey so far. Tell us more about yourself? 

Hi, I am Ujjwala Sahni and I am 35 years old. A graduate and homemaker. I pursued classical dance until my early teens. I am married to a South Indian family in Chennai. We have two daughters. 

I was born in a middle-class South Indian family in Jaipur. I am the younger of the two siblings. I have an elder brother. I would often witness disputes and frequent fights between parents and that affected me. I was closer to my father and he is still very fond of me. I would often dance with him and we were merry. Mother was a bit distant and I felt ignored and rejected by her. I was a creative and curious child. Since my childhood, people around me bullied me often, including my cousins. 

Due to which I had low self-esteem throughout my teenage years. I always felt that I was an unimportant person in people’s life. My spirit flowed into dance and I was quite good at it. I loved performing on stage and got a lot of appreciation for the same. Somehow, it was left behind in my teens and youth. 

 

What brought you to NV Life? 

A year and a half ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. At present, I have completed my treatment. I also had some other persistent health issues like allergic rhinitis, wheezing and irregular bowel movement. My allergic triggers are from A.C, smoke, perfumes, and dirt. Life has been quite a struggle amidst all of this. While cancer hit me recently, I have been suffering from allergies since my childhood. It triggered a lot of shame and hopelessness in me and aggravated my loneliness. 

Before coming to NV Life, the key indicators of my Health & well-being namely Sleep Breath and Sexuality were distorted. Highly active mind, hopelessness, fear, and anxiety were persistent. Disturbed family as was subjected to physical abuse by husband and conflict with in-laws. Over the years my hopelessness and disappointment in marriage were only growing with time. 

 

So, how were you managing this disease for the last 5 years and how did it constrain or limit you? 

I was drowning in hopelessness and fear. I was left to fend for myself and compromise with life. My sexuality was completely suppressed. Coupled with my situation at home where I had a difficult marriage filled with conflict, physical abuse, and dejection, it only aggravated my situation. 

My spirit was completely squeezed, and I felt utterly hopeless dealing with the fear and anxiety of my disease. It affected my relationship with my kids as well. My anger towards my mother got aggravated and I felt she is not there for me. Thus, feeling abandoned. I always went back to my father and found solace in him as I felt closer to him and he understood me the most. However, in my present life here in Chennai, I was all alone. I was timid and weak in my marriage.  I was just surviving. 

 

Looking back on your life in perspective, what do you know about yourself that was not in your awareness before joining NV Life, and what are your key insights or wisdom having decoded your suffering and having examined your life during the programs? 

As I started Chetna, I struggled with my daily routine tasks like helping my husband get ready for the office. It was a big issue initially.  As my emotions surfaced with OTB and NV Swimming, my hidden anger and blame on my father for getting me married against my wish surfaced. As I connected with my breath and started accepting myself by going inward, my husband was not able to accept the new me who is bold and assertive.  

I looked back at my life and saw how I compromised in my age 14-21. How I developed self-pity and self-judgment and formed my major tendencies to survive. My judgment for parents came into my awareness and they were huge. I had rejected my femininity and my sexuality was completely suppressed. I could see a lot of hopelessness in our relationship. I took responsibility and worked on myself. 

 

What are those one or two fundamental shifts in your approach and perspective to your suffering and in your day-to-day life, which give you hope and faith?  

All three pillars of my health & wellbeing- sleep, breath, and sexuality have significantly improved during the program. Thanks to NV Life techniques and daily Agneya meditation sessions. My rhinitis allergies were largely cured during the program, which has been a huge relief. I experienced healing. 

At an emotional level, I am now more aware of myself, and my recurring thoughts of fear, anxiety, and hopelessness are reducing day by day. I can now track my hopelessness in my behaviour, connect back to my lack, and catch myself! 

 

How is your ecosystem (Family/Friends/Career/Society) reflecting upon the new you and what shifts are you noticing there? 

Life suddenly feels magical! My sexuality has opened up as I experienced my breath and my life force energy through the lectures on sexuality and practice as was guided. My newfound intimacy with my husband is a joy. There is newfound comfort and happiness with my kids. I have again started thinking about my dancing and the bliss I felt in it in my childhood. I am connecting with my spirit after a long time. 

 

Was there any magic moment in your journey with NV Life, that had a profound impact on you, and triggered the healing in you? 

Naveen Sir’s Vartalaap sessions were of great help as they gave me clarity on my relationship with my parents. Cotton was like magic as it reduced my rhinitis allergies significantly in a couple of days. The lecture on sexuality was a catalyst for me to open up and break the morality to accept my relationship and myself with my husband. 

 

What lies ahead for you? Where is your spirit now and what is your message for those who are looking forward to walking the path of cure? 

I am more me now. I can be with myself and not judge. I am experiencing this newfound freedom. I am looking forward to living my life fully and continuing to work on myself. My message to all the participants is, as breath is the gift of nature, and Naveen sir has given us this gift to be in touch with it again. Have faith & hope and grow it day by day to walk towards a cure.  

Thank you Ujjwala for so freely and authentically sharing your journey with us. I am sure it will inspire many to walk the path of cure. All the best to you for your forthcoming program with NV Life and your journey as well. See you around.

 

Responses

While drawing our algorithm, we start with identifying our symptoms. Do we look at our symptoms of today or from our childhood? Our tendencies also seem like they are about today and not from our childhood. How should I interpret this?

You can start with identifying your symptoms today and make your Algorithm identifying your Lack, Tendency and Pattern. It may seem like the tendencies are loud and clear today. This is only because as an adult, you are either more aware of it, or the tendency is more pronounced. However, if you go back to that age group of 7-14, you will find that the same tendency existed back then as well.  

For example – your lack is abandonment and so your tendency is need to prove/ excel. As an adult, you try extremely hard to prove yourself at work, but maybe as a ten-year-old you wanted to make sure that you win a colouring competition or feel worthy by collecting the maximum number of berries or fruits. 

 So, you would notice how the nature of tendency existed even back then – sometimes subtly, sometimes pronounced. It is just a matter of developing sensitivity to recognize it in that time and space. However, you can always work with current scenarios. 

Now that I have made my algorithm and have identified my lack, what do I do with this? Do I have to re-visit my childhood?

In every moment of disappointment – current or past, you can experience the lack. There are two ways to attend to the lack, once identified – 

  1.  You may simply keep your Algorithm/Lack in awareness by writing the events of the current time and go into breathing 
  2. You can revisit your childhood and write about moments that you experienced the Lack/Algorithm and once you have written a few events (in detail), you may lay down and begin to observe your breath. 

In either of the processes, your Algorithm/lack is in your complete awareness and observing your breath after this would only bring an expansion in your awareness. 

After finding my LTP and mapping my algorithm, I can see how I have suffered in my childhood and continue to do so. What can I do to remedy this and reverse my suffering?

 Since you are seeking the cure, you must know that state of meditation is the state of cure. The more you are in this state, the more you move towards light, thus curing your suffering.  

All the things which come into your awareness, must now be attended to by Observing your breath. For process of attending to what has surfaced, refer to Ques no 8 

Now that I have made my algorithm and have identified my lack, what do I do with this? Do I have to re-visit my childhood?

In every moment of disappointment – current or past, you can experience the lack. There are two ways to attend to the lack, once identified – 

  1.  You may simply keep your Algorithm/Lack in awareness by writing the events of the current time and go into breathing 
  1. You can revisit your childhood and write about moments that you experienced the Lack/Algorithm and once you have written a few events (in detail), you may lay down and begin to observe your breath. 

In either of the processes, your Algorithm/lack is in your complete awareness and observing your breath after this would only bring an expansion in your awareness.