“I could see this was stemming from a deep sense of loss, as if the universe has taken away so much from me that I need to desperately hold on to whatever I have left. I could finally understand the source of all my anger, hurt, resentment and revengeful tendencies. I was glad to uncover these emotions before they led to deeper ailments which would have been a sure thing given the path I was on.”
Manthan – Mahabalipuram Treatment Week
I consider myself very fortunate to have got an opportunity to attend the April 2019 NVLife Manthan (treatment) week in Mahabalipuram along with my wife and 7 year old son. Prior to this, I had read the book last year and had also done a one month Home Support in Feb 2019. My main motivation for home support and subsequently treatment week was to get to the bottom of repeated distress and deep rooted dissatisfaction in life, and in the process of healing, find my lost mojo and discover my true self. Another strong motivation was to help my autistic son in the process.
The treatment week kicked off with a discussion around emotions experienced and beliefs formed in any one relationship. While breathing on my relationship with my wife, I was amazed at the realization that how much of my experience with my wife and prior relations as an adult was mirrored in my experiences and beliefs formed during childhood around my mother. What amazed me was how this template was etched in my mind and I was applying it everywhere without even realizing it. This was explained by sir in a lecture where he explained very little of our identity is truly ours, most of it is borrowed from our ecosystem especially parents. To experience the inner void or discover our true self, one has to dissolve the borrowed identity first. And I could immediately recall the countless moments when I felt an identity crisis and pondered over the question who I truly am. Without any answers obviously. For the first time now, with sir’s guidance, I had the tools and techniques to find myself.
There was a lot of focus on evaluating experiences around love and relationships which I personally found extremely beneficial especially since I had been struggling in this area for a while. Sir asked us to breathe on an instance in a relationship where we had a choice to be with love but chose not to. And my initial years of marriage literally flashed before my eyes like a movie and it was so clear how multiple times I had let my emotions, patterns and beliefs get in the way of love. We were then asked to probe deeper by meditating on our stubbornness and what was causing it. For me, I could clearly see how much damage my stubbornness, sulking and non-acceptance had caused in my life and my ecosystem. And more importantly, I could see this was stemming from a deep sense of loss, as if the universe has taken away so much from me that I need to desperately hold on to whatever I have left. I could finally understand the source of all my anger, hurt, resentment and revengeful tendencies. I was glad to uncover these emotions before they led to deeper ailments which would have been a sure thing given the path I was on. Sir also helped me realize my OCD tendencies and how these were passed on in my autistic child.
Sir explained in one of the lectures how our experiences during 14-21 age are crucial in shaping our patterns and beliefs as an adult. And through hunting he wanted us to uncover the key lack or bug (as he called it) that every soul is born with. He posited that once we can realize that lack and discover the wisdom behind it, we will stop attracting the same situations that have been plaguing us through life and get aligned with our purpose. For me, I realized I was born with an inherent lack of self worth and had formed a belief very early on in life that only way to feel worthy was through accomplishments that were validated by the ecosystem. And I spent my entire childhood and early adulthood stuck with this pattern, trying to please everyone around me, consistently seeking appreciation and validation from my parents and friends. The result was constant oscillations through life: when I felt I was doing something worthy, my confidence knew no bounds and as soon as I start doubting myself the balloon burst and I was at the bottom of the pit! The answer for me, is to find the self worth within and not seek it externally. On those lines, one deep realization, thanks to sir’s guidance, was around my equation with my son and how I have been trying to find my lost self worth and redemption for past mistakes through him. And obviously this is neither good for me or my son. Am so glad sir helped me with this realization for now I have an opportunity to course correct while my son is still young.
Note: Stay tuned for Part Two.