From Distress to Dancing – A compelling inversion story of a designer

Before the workshop-

I was depressed all the time. I felt lonely even with a whole crowd around me, craved love from someone else and began hating everything about myself including the way I looked. I developed huge inferiority and it began to show in my work, and as a designer, if there is no quality in your work: then you are nothing. I slowly became unproductive, destructive and angry. I started becoming very ill-tempered on the smallest of issues. I panicked whenever I was unable to handle issues that would usually don’t bother me. It became so bad that I started disliking doing the thing that gave me joy like baking, indulging in my favourite foods, movies, books or even shopping.

Everything highlighted darker when I got into an unsuccessful marriage. Even though I got married to whom I was very good friends with, I felt that he was pushing me away and that he was bored of me. The connection we had as friends were extinct by the time we tied a knot. Things became bad: We spent less time together; no more holidays although even if we did, I would crib about not being loved enough, appreciated or even understood. I felt he gave equal importance to everyone but me which bothered me so much that I did everything I could to make him happier but nothing seemed to work. The more I tried, the further away we drifted. When I slowly started giving up, I tried contemplating suicide quite sometimes, but never found the courage to do it as the innocent eyes of my gorgeous dog would stop me from harming myself.

I sought peace in solitude but could not overcome the pain and suffering caused in my mind as the past kept bothering me, and that whole torture would result in me suppressing all my emotions because I didn’t want to bother anyone from their busy lives and throughout the process of storing my emotions in me, I was breaking down internally bit by bit.

How was your experience during the workshop?

It helped me make peace with a lot of my issues: the angst and lack of love I felt towards my family; the breach of trust from all my past relationships. Most importantly it gave me clarity that the current relationship will take me down a self-destructive path. It gave me great strength to find a new path for myself where I learnt to accept things as they were and move away from things that fed off my weakness. I was relieved of a lot of pain, stress and angst. I felt strangely confident and had the strength to believe in myself.

How are you feeling 3 months after the workshop?

I believe I’m emotionally much stronger; I’m more connected to my inner self and; I have more self-awareness. I have always been a dreamer and believed that impossible things can happen. This experience gave me the strength to move out of my unsuccessful marriage, find a place that I can call my own and not run back to my parents like a helpless waif. I now work with some extremely reputed brands and my designs are improving. I also learnt the difference between wants and needs, greed and necessity. My life is much simpler, and I am grateful for what I have and I’m proud to be standing tall on my own two feet, with my best buddy, my dog, on my side.

After I moved out, I got the solitude and clarity to think clearly without external influences just like all my friends and common acquaintances cut themselves off of. I faced many fears and demons around me but now, life is finally at a pace I like. I have started going to a contemporary dance school that trains people on a professional level and hope to chase my dream of being a performer. This has opened up my mind, body and soul to a newfound love of self-expression. Although I must confess, I still have some low times, but with my headphones on and using the exercises I have learnt in this workshop, I am back in action!

Life now follows the rhythm of my heartbeat and my feet can’t help but dance. Whatever I still need to learn in life, I’ll only know that with time, but one thing I know for sure: I’m not afraid to try!

Responses

While drawing our algorithm, we start with identifying our symptoms. Do we look at our symptoms of today or from our childhood? Our tendencies also seem like they are about today and not from our childhood. How should I interpret this?

You can start with identifying your symptoms today and make your Algorithm identifying your Lack, Tendency and Pattern. It may seem like the tendencies are loud and clear today. This is only because as an adult, you are either more aware of it, or the tendency is more pronounced. However, if you go back to that age group of 7-14, you will find that the same tendency existed back then as well.  

For example – your lack is abandonment and so your tendency is need to prove/ excel. As an adult, you try extremely hard to prove yourself at work, but maybe as a ten-year-old you wanted to make sure that you win a colouring competition or feel worthy by collecting the maximum number of berries or fruits. 

 So, you would notice how the nature of tendency existed even back then – sometimes subtly, sometimes pronounced. It is just a matter of developing sensitivity to recognize it in that time and space. However, you can always work with current scenarios. 

Now that I have made my algorithm and have identified my lack, what do I do with this? Do I have to re-visit my childhood?

In every moment of disappointment – current or past, you can experience the lack. There are two ways to attend to the lack, once identified – 

  1.  You may simply keep your Algorithm/Lack in awareness by writing the events of the current time and go into breathing 
  2. You can revisit your childhood and write about moments that you experienced the Lack/Algorithm and once you have written a few events (in detail), you may lay down and begin to observe your breath. 

In either of the processes, your Algorithm/lack is in your complete awareness and observing your breath after this would only bring an expansion in your awareness. 

After finding my LTP and mapping my algorithm, I can see how I have suffered in my childhood and continue to do so. What can I do to remedy this and reverse my suffering?

 Since you are seeking the cure, you must know that state of meditation is the state of cure. The more you are in this state, the more you move towards light, thus curing your suffering.  

All the things which come into your awareness, must now be attended to by Observing your breath. For process of attending to what has surfaced, refer to Ques no 8 

Now that I have made my algorithm and have identified my lack, what do I do with this? Do I have to re-visit my childhood?

In every moment of disappointment – current or past, you can experience the lack. There are two ways to attend to the lack, once identified – 

  1.  You may simply keep your Algorithm/Lack in awareness by writing the events of the current time and go into breathing 
  1. You can revisit your childhood and write about moments that you experienced the Lack/Algorithm and once you have written a few events (in detail), you may lay down and begin to observe your breath. 

In either of the processes, your Algorithm/lack is in your complete awareness and observing your breath after this would only bring an expansion in your awareness.