Daily Tracker Chetna

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Daily tracker of eventsTRIGGERSDefrost(Writing) the eventEmotion felt during/post the eventBehaviourAny thoughts/beliefs you had during/post the eventAny Realisation/Wisdom/Tendency/Pattren about yourself which has come into your awarenessEmotion felt during/post the event
TRIGGERSDefrost(Writing) the eventEmotion felt during/post the eventBehaviourAny thoughts/beliefs you had during/post the eventAny Realisation/Wisdom/Tendency/Pattren about yourself which has come into your awareness
Having to meet a friendIt was her birthday today, we just recently became friends and i felt very little energy to go out and celebrateIt felt wonderful to be able to connect with her deeper and hold space for her to open on this day and allow herself to expressAt first i felt i had to push myself to maintain the social etiquette but very quickly that dissolved and i became present with herI felt more aligned with the flow of lifeI realized the resistance was not mine but hers that i had been carrying. if i simply just be present without any preconceived ideas then i can really hold space for things to happen.
  • Having to meet a friend
  • It was her birthday today, we just recently became friends and i felt very little energy to go out and celebrate
  • It felt wonderful to be able to connect with her deeper and hold space for her to open on this day and allow herself to express
  • At first i felt i had to push myself to maintain the social etiquette but very quickly that dissolved and i became present with her
  • I felt more aligned with the flow of life
  • I realized the resistance was not mine but hers that i had been carrying. if i simply just be present without any preconceived ideas then i can really hold space for things to happen.
TRIGGERSDefrost(Writing) the eventEmotion felt during/post the eventBehaviourAny thoughts/beliefs you had during/post the eventAny Realisation/Wisdom/Tendency/Pattren about yourself which has come into your awareness
NV SwimmingHurt my knee really bad while playing - i was around 6 years old and my nee started bleeding a lotFear/feeling stupidI tried to hide it from my mother because I thought she might be upset, but in fact when she saw it she was very loving and concerned.not sureNot forgiving with myself when I make mistakes
  • NV Swimming
  • Hurt my knee really bad while playing - i was around 6 years old and my nee started bleeding a lot
  • Fear/feeling stupid
  • I tried to hide it from my mother because I thought she might be upset, but in fact when she saw it she was very loving and concerned.
  • not sure
  • Not forgiving with myself when I make mistakes
TRIGGERSDefrost(Writing) the eventEmotion felt during/post the eventBehaviourAny thoughts/beliefs you had during/post the eventAny Realisation/Wisdom/Tendency/Pattren about yourself which has come into your awareness
motherI am feeling a lot of intense emotions come up - stuff that I thought I had resolved and dealt with is coming up all over again!anger rage disgustgetting angry and snapping at my motherblame her for everything in my life - my inability to receive love and fear from committmentI am carrying so much hate for mother - can't turn it into compassion
  • mother
  • I am feeling a lot of intense emotions come up - stuff that I thought I had resolved and dealt with is coming up all over again!
  • anger rage disgust
  • getting angry and snapping at my mother
  • blame her for everything in my life - my inability to receive love and fear from committment
  • I am carrying so much hate for mother - can't turn it into compassion
TRIGGERSDefrost(Writing) the eventEmotion felt during/post the eventBehaviourAny thoughts/beliefs you had during/post the eventAny Realisation/Wisdom/Tendency/Pattren about yourself which has come into your awareness
IgnoreHurtUpset/ angry
  • Ignore
  • Hurt
  • Upset/ angry
TRIGGERSDefrost(Writing) the eventEmotion felt during/post the eventBehaviourAny thoughts/beliefs you had during/post the eventAny Realisation/Wisdom/Tendency/Pattren about yourself which has come into your awareness
Jigyasa conversation on relationships with fathersIt was my 12th board where I failed Math. I was a hard working, diligent student that excelled at academics as well as co-curricular activities. Math was a subject that I did not want to take on after my 10th but my parents insisted that I do. The day the result came out, I knew what my parents would say or feel. That left me sitting alone in my room shivering. My dad came home from work that evening & my parents had a huge quarrel. He came into my room and shamed me for not being capable of anything. I love my father, but the words that came out of his mouth next just stuck, he pointed that the large window in my room and asked my to jump from there so that he would not have to feel ashamed of me.As I close my eyes and breathe on this, I feel shame, loneliness and helpless. I feel pain my upper back which I have been feeling since day one of using cotton. I also felt my right thigh tingling.I feel detachedLooking back I feel it was the beginning if many 'I need to prove myself to my father', I need to be 'worthy' in his eyes. So every time I excel at something I look for his nod, a smile on his face. I don't know if he is proud of me, but I think I chase that his sense of pride in me with anything that I seem to get rightI seek attention and approval. I feel the need to please.
Jigyasa - when Kanika pointed out her approval from her father in her career choiceIt was my first week at Design school, which I got into a second time & this time I stood my ground and said I wanted to leave to pursue what I love doing. Living alone was hard, living in a hostel was harder, being ragged & shamed was a part of the initiation process. I remember being called out for being from Delhi and made to stand in a separate line to be ragged separately later. When I came back to my room, I felt this urge to call my parents and share and cry about it. I held myself back because I did not them to in anyway feel that I was nit equipped to stay away from home & pursue what they did not believe in to begin withI felt shame, fear, unworthiness and pitied myselfPost the episode, I pulled up my socks and resorted to deal with anything that comes my way alone. Sharing things meant showing weakness and showing weakness meant the fear of not being acceptedI now know better. I'm happy to have made a career out of something I loved irrespective of what anyone thought. I feel light having gone back to that moment and witnessing it. The pain in my upper back stays after recalling this event.I seek approval of what I do from my loved ones & am in constant conflict with my morality
  • Jigyasa conversation on relationships with fathers
  • Jigyasa - when Kanika pointed out her approval from her father in her career choice
  • It was my 12th board where I failed Math. I was a hard working, diligent student that excelled at academics as well as co-curricular activities. Math was a subject that I did not want to take on after my 10th but my parents insisted that I do. The day the result came out, I knew what my parents would say or feel. That left me sitting alone in my room shivering. My dad came home from work that evening & my parents had a huge quarrel. He came into my room and shamed me for not being capable of anything. I love my father, but the words that came out of his mouth next just stuck, he pointed that the large window in my room and asked my to jump from there so that he would not have to feel ashamed of me.
  • It was my first week at Design school, which I got into a second time & this time I stood my ground and said I wanted to leave to pursue what I love doing. Living alone was hard, living in a hostel was harder, being ragged & shamed was a part of the initiation process. I remember being called out for being from Delhi and made to stand in a separate line to be ragged separately later. When I came back to my room, I felt this urge to call my parents and share and cry about it. I held myself back because I did not them to in anyway feel that I was nit equipped to stay away from home & pursue what they did not believe in to begin with
  • As I close my eyes and breathe on this, I feel shame, loneliness and helpless. I feel pain my upper back which I have been feeling since day one of using cotton. I also felt my right thigh tingling.
  • I felt shame, fear, unworthiness and pitied myself
  • I feel detached
  • Post the episode, I pulled up my socks and resorted to deal with anything that comes my way alone. Sharing things meant showing weakness and showing weakness meant the fear of not being accepted
  • Looking back I feel it was the beginning if many 'I need to prove myself to my father', I need to be 'worthy' in his eyes. So every time I excel at something I look for his nod, a smile on his face. I don't know if he is proud of me, but I think I chase that his sense of pride in me with anything that I seem to get right
  • I now know better. I'm happy to have made a career out of something I loved irrespective of what anyone thought. I feel light having gone back to that moment and witnessing it. The pain in my upper back stays after recalling this event.
  • I seek attention and approval. I feel the need to please.
  • I seek approval of what I do from my loved ones & am in constant conflict with my morality
TRIGGERSDefrost(Writing) the eventEmotion felt during/post the eventBehaviourAny thoughts/beliefs you had during/post the eventAny Realisation/Wisdom/Tendency/Pattren about yourself which has come into your awareness
My mother crying in a screeching soundIt brought back a distinct memory of my parents fighting and their clothes being torn after the fight. My younger sister and I hugged each other and stayed put on the bed. After some time had passed, we knocked the bathroom door repeatedly, only to find my father's shirt torn and my mother's clothes torn and her sitting next to the pot and crying loudly and then making the same screeching sound that I heard. Between breaths, she kept saying that she did not want to live and staring at us very weirdly. She told us that she will take us away and the next thing we knew was that we were on a local bus where I was sitting on a tyre and on my way to my nani's house.Sadness, Fear, Lost, HelplessnessWanting to protect my mother from any harmThat abuse changes people and causes irreversible sufferingI get sacred with loud sounds, my fear kicks in and my heart starts pounding reaching my throat
  • My mother crying in a screeching sound
  • It brought back a distinct memory of my parents fighting and their clothes being torn after the fight. My younger sister and I hugged each other and stayed put on the bed. After some time had passed, we knocked the bathroom door repeatedly, only to find my father's shirt torn and my mother's clothes torn and her sitting next to the pot and crying loudly and then making the same screeching sound that I heard. Between breaths, she kept saying that she did not want to live and staring at us very weirdly. She told us that she will take us away and the next thing we knew was that we were on a local bus where I was sitting on a tyre and on my way to my nani's house.
  • Sadness, Fear, Lost, Helplessness
  • Wanting to protect my mother from any harm
  • That abuse changes people and causes irreversible suffering
  • I get sacred with loud sounds, my fear kicks in and my heart starts pounding reaching my throat
TRIGGERSDefrost(Writing) the eventEmotion felt during/post the eventBehaviourAny thoughts/beliefs you had during/post the eventAny Realisation/Wisdom/Tendency/Pattren about yourself which has come into your awareness
Yesterday's session with TulikaI am a very reserved person and do not like to discuss my personal issues. But after yesterday's session I felt something unusual happening to me which I am unable to figure out what it was.Felt restless and a bit uncomfortable.I had unusual dreams though nothing unpleasant.Felt restless and confusedYes that if I open up may be more would surface.
  • Yesterday's session with Tulika
  • I am a very reserved person and do not like to discuss my personal issues. But after yesterday's session I felt something unusual happening to me which I am unable to figure out what it was.
  • Felt restless and a bit uncomfortable.
  • I had unusual dreams though nothing unpleasant.
  • Felt restless and confused
  • Yes that if I open up may be more would surface.
TRIGGERSDefrost(Writing) the eventEmotion felt during/post the eventBehaviourAny thoughts/beliefs you had during/post the eventAny Realisation/Wisdom/Tendency/Pattren about yourself which has come into your awareness
Messaging my ex-girlfriend to ask if she was OK amidst this covid pandemicMessaged my ex-girlfriend > Received a perfectly friendly reply >> The act of communication and the sense of being in her presence was disturbing enough to bring up intense grief & sadness for what could have beenMild panic, grief, sadness that would not subsideTried to watch my breath, reminded myself that emotions have motion1. That this too shall pass 2. That for a change I was not drowning in the emotion but being able to witnes it 3. Wondering if I really WAS witnessing it/doing it rightN/A
  • Messaging my ex-girlfriend to ask if she was OK amidst this covid pandemic
  • Messaged my ex-girlfriend > Received a perfectly friendly reply >> The act of communication and the sense of being in her presence was disturbing enough to bring up intense grief & sadness for what could have been
  • Mild panic, grief, sadness that would not subside
  • Tried to watch my breath, reminded myself that emotions have motion
  • 1. That this too shall pass 2. That for a change I was not drowning in the emotion but being able to witnes it 3. Wondering if I really WAS witnessing it/doing it right
  • N/A
TRIGGERSDefrost(Writing) the eventEmotion felt during/post the eventBehaviourAny thoughts/beliefs you had during/post the eventAny Realisation/Wisdom/Tendency/Pattren about yourself which has come into your awareness
Listening to a course-mate's agony.I lost my younger sister in 2004unsure of the emotionsgot into a pensive moodI went into deep thought of weather I have vaulted the grief quite effectively or grounded it completely.Loss of my sister isn't a nagging thought though, and it becomes painful rarely, but at times, it leaves me teary eyed as well. More often than not, it's a pleasant feeling that it was lovely time that I spent with her. Fear of Loneliness keeps troubling me, but this has been an issue with me since childhood. Not sure if I can link this fear with my loss..
  • Listening to a course-mate's agony.
  • I lost my younger sister in 2004
  • unsure of the emotions
  • got into a pensive mood
  • I went into deep thought of weather I have vaulted the grief quite effectively or grounded it completely.
  • Loss of my sister isn't a nagging thought though, and it becomes painful rarely, but at times, it leaves me teary eyed as well. More often than not, it's a pleasant feeling that it was lovely time that I spent with her. Fear of Loneliness keeps troubling me, but this has been an issue with me since childhood. Not sure if I can link this fear with my loss..
TRIGGERSDefrost(Writing) the eventEmotion felt during/post the eventBehaviourAny thoughts/beliefs you had during/post the eventAny Realisation/Wisdom/Tendency/Pattren about yourself which has come into your awareness
my sister's birthi remember my parents forcing me to 'ask' God for a little sister even though at that time I didn't understand what that meant. Later in life that used to annoy me a lot. Why put it on my head? I didn't want to ask for this. It's not my responsibility to be her parent.burdened, angerwould behave like my parents behave with me when we were younger; it took a lot of time to get over that and build a friendship with her. sometimes I still feel we are distant but mostly I am happy to see her as an individual with her ownit's my responsibility to look after everyone else's happiness. being responsible and mature is a good thing.I've known this for a few years now — it's reduced but I still have a need of being 'the bigger person' in situations, to act 'maturely' even if I want to be a baby and be looked after
  • my sister's birth
  • i remember my parents forcing me to 'ask' God for a little sister even though at that time I didn't understand what that meant. Later in life that used to annoy me a lot. Why put it on my head? I didn't want to ask for this. It's not my responsibility to be her parent.
  • burdened, anger
  • would behave like my parents behave with me when we were younger; it took a lot of time to get over that and build a friendship with her. sometimes I still feel we are distant but mostly I am happy to see her as an individual with her own
  • it's my responsibility to look after everyone else's happiness. being responsible and mature is a good thing.
  • I've known this for a few years now — it's reduced but I still have a need of being 'the bigger person' in situations, to act 'maturely' even if I want to be a baby and be looked after
  • hopelessness
TRIGGERSDefrost(Writing) the eventEmotion felt during/post the eventBehaviourAny thoughts/beliefs you had during/post the eventAny Realisation/Wisdom/Tendency/Pattren about yourself which has come into your awareness
Was practising NVSwimming as part of the Agneya processAs that happened, I felt sudden relief from pain in one portion of my leg and it was wonderful. Pain came back a few hours later though.Small matters on which I fret (like say Car parking) come to mind and I observed that thought. And it fadedMy obsession to control events to my satisfaction.NoneMy obsession for control
  • Was practising NVSwimming as part of the Agneya process
  • As that happened, I felt sudden relief from pain in one portion of my leg and it was wonderful. Pain came back a few hours later though.
  • Small matters on which I fret (like say Car parking) come to mind and I observed that thought. And it faded
  • My obsession to control events to my satisfaction.
  • None
  • My obsession for control
TRIGGERSDefrost(Writing) the eventEmotion felt during/post the eventBehaviourAny thoughts/beliefs you had during/post the eventAny Realisation/Wisdom/Tendency/Pattren about yourself which has come into your awareness
HungerWoke up at 530 with Hunger and feeling of low sugarPanicGot up and rushed to check my sugar levels. This was 90. I had slept late the previous night; in fact eaten dinner late (11 PM) and slept at 130 AM. So did not expect this sort of reactionJust swallowed some sugar to feel better. It helpedNone
  • Hunger
  • Woke up at 530 with Hunger and feeling of low sugar
  • Panic
  • Got up and rushed to check my sugar levels. This was 90. I had slept late the previous night; in fact eaten dinner late (11 PM) and slept at 130 AM. So did not expect this sort of reaction
  • Just swallowed some sugar to feel better. It helped
  • None
TRIGGERSDefrost(Writing) the eventEmotion felt during/post the eventBehaviourAny thoughts/beliefs you had during/post the eventAny Realisation/Wisdom/Tendency/Pattren about yourself which has come into your awareness
My MIL's recent surgery and hospitalisationI used to have very painful periods because of cyst in ovary and 3 months after my marriage i was asked by the doctor to get the cyst removed before i conceived. I went to my in-laws place and got my surgery done. Doctor removed my left ovary along with the cyst. My post surgery recovery was very emotionally and physically draining .I was upset that my ovary had to be removed as this was not the plan. i was worried if i would be able to conceive naturally.My desire to attain motherhood was very high and i tried to stay positiveWe were overjoyed when i got pregnant. My pregnancy was very pleasant and without any issues. I believe Staying positive always helps.Stay cheerful and positive.
  • My MIL's recent surgery and hospitalisation
  • I used to have very painful periods because of cyst in ovary and 3 months after my marriage i was asked by the doctor to get the cyst removed before i conceived. I went to my in-laws place and got my surgery done. Doctor removed my left ovary along with the cyst. My post surgery recovery was very emotionally and physically draining .
  • I was upset that my ovary had to be removed as this was not the plan. i was worried if i would be able to conceive naturally.
  • My desire to attain motherhood was very high and i tried to stay positive
  • We were overjoyed when i got pregnant. My pregnancy was very pleasant and without any issues. I believe Staying positive always helps.
  • Stay cheerful and positive.
TRIGGERSDefrost(Writing) the eventEmotion felt during/post the eventBehaviourAny thoughts/beliefs you had during/post the eventAny Realisation/Wisdom/Tendency/Pattren about yourself which has come into your awareness
my friend challenging something I believe about myselfmy friend said that I have painted a different picture of my eating habits in front of othersfelt annoyed and bulliedexplained what I feel is truethat my friend takes my eating habits as a statment on her eating habitsfeeling more comfortable sticking up for my truth
  • my friend challenging something I believe about myself
  • my friend said that I have painted a different picture of my eating habits in front of others
  • felt annoyed and bullied
  • explained what I feel is true
  • that my friend takes my eating habits as a statment on her eating habits
  • feeling more comfortable sticking up for my truth
TRIGGERSDefrost(Writing) the eventEmotion felt during/post the eventBehaviourAny thoughts/beliefs you had during/post the eventAny Realisation/Wisdom/Tendency/Pattren about yourself which has come into your awareness
My mother informing me hat 14(!) boxes from my sister's Bangalore flat are arriving at 8am by truck.1. She informed me of this 2. I felt angry I hadn't been told earelier, or consulted about adding so much "stuff" to a house that is already a bit crowded 3. I stewed in my anger, and it connected me to past feelings of anger around the chaaotic and unplaned way my mother has conducted her life and how much effort I've needed to put in to create a better, more thoughtful & planned approach to my life. Plus, I was angry that once again I had not been consulted about something that concerns our shared living space, which is something we've fought about earlierAnger, frustration, feeling trapped/helpless, escapism into fantasies of moving outFirst I was just angry in private, then I told her I want to spak to her about being consulted more about household decisions1. That my mother has an unplanned, reactive approach to leading her life that leadd to anxiety and unnecessary stress for herself and others 2. This was supposed to be primarily my house while my mother and sister had their own houses. Thanks to covid, this has become a shared space (which is OK) but somehow has also become primarily my mother's house (in terms of decision-making) in which I am a guest, which angers me1. That I feel anger at how poorly my mother prepared me for practical life 2. That I reflexively push back on her and feel controlled/bullied by her
  • My mother informing me hat 14(!) boxes from my sister's Bangalore flat are arriving at 8am by truck.
  • 1. She informed me of this 2. I felt angry I hadn't been told earelier, or consulted about adding so much "stuff" to a house that is already a bit crowded 3. I stewed in my anger, and it connected me to past feelings of anger around the chaaotic and unplaned way my mother has conducted her life and how much effort I've needed to put in to create a better, more thoughtful & planned approach to my life. Plus, I was angry that once again I had not been consulted about something that concerns our shared living space, which is something we've fought about earlier
  • Anger, frustration, feeling trapped/helpless, escapism into fantasies of moving out
  • First I was just angry in private, then I told her I want to spak to her about being consulted more about household decisions
  • 1. That my mother has an unplanned, reactive approach to leading her life that leadd to anxiety and unnecessary stress for herself and others 2. This was supposed to be primarily my house while my mother and sister had their own houses. Thanks to covid, this has become a shared space (which is OK) but somehow has also become primarily my mother's house (in terms of decision-making) in which I am a guest, which angers me
  • 1. That I feel anger at how poorly my mother prepared me for practical life 2. That I reflexively push back on her and feel controlled/bullied by her
TRIGGERSDefrost(Writing) the eventEmotion felt during/post the eventBehaviourAny thoughts/beliefs you had during/post the eventAny Realisation/Wisdom/Tendency/Pattren about yourself which has come into your awareness
Met my Mother-in-lawbecause of series of events that happened few yrs ago, we aren't in touch with my in laws. I rarely meet them, only during social gatherings. I met her today and felt a little irritable.a mix of irritable, vengeance, judging her and feeling unworthy.Tried to be normal. Also maintained the minimum possible social courtesies.Got reminded of feeling unrecognised and insulted by inlaws few yrs back.there is a pattern of feeling unrecognised and also a feeling of self unworthiness.
  • Met my Mother-in-law
  • because of series of events that happened few yrs ago, we aren't in touch with my in laws. I rarely meet them, only during social gatherings. I met her today and felt a little irritable.
  • a mix of irritable, vengeance, judging her and feeling unworthy.
  • Tried to be normal. Also maintained the minimum possible social courtesies.
  • Got reminded of feeling unrecognised and insulted by inlaws few yrs back.
  • there is a pattern of feeling unrecognised and also a feeling of self unworthiness.
TRIGGERSDefrost(Writing) the eventEmotion felt during/post the eventBehaviourAny thoughts/beliefs you had during/post the eventAny Realisation/Wisdom/Tendency/Pattren about yourself which has come into your awareness
OrgasamI haven't had a sexual experience of any kind since my last break up (10 months)I felt the pain of seperation from my ex partnerI had tears but i chose to feel the worthiness of my loveFirst thought was of fear of not being able to be intimate with another person, next was to feel his absense followed by being gentle and loving towards myself.I felt that I am glad that i was able to feel the intensity of love that i always wanted to feel in life. I also realised I fear that may not happen again. I noticed I was going to fall in self pity, self loathing , guilt of not being able to handle emotions leading to outburts of anger, inability to identify my emotions and expressing them in unaligned ways which often end hurting others and me. But as i realised i was going to go back into that dark place once again, i chose to hold myself with love and tenderness and remind myself that this is for my growth and i am no longer that person anymore.
  • Orgasam
  • I haven't had a sexual experience of any kind since my last break up (10 months)
  • I felt the pain of seperation from my ex partner
  • I had tears but i chose to feel the worthiness of my love
  • First thought was of fear of not being able to be intimate with another person, next was to feel his absense followed by being gentle and loving towards myself.
  • I felt that I am glad that i was able to feel the intensity of love that i always wanted to feel in life. I also realised I fear that may not happen again. I noticed I was going to fall in self pity, self loathing , guilt of not being able to handle emotions leading to outburts of anger, inability to identify my emotions and expressing them in unaligned ways which often end hurting others and me. But as i realised i was going to go back into that dark place once again, i chose to hold myself with love and tenderness and remind myself that this is for my growth and i am no longer that person anymore.
  • I felt annoyed and irritated
Daily tracker of eventsTRIGGERSDefrost(Writing) the eventEmotion felt during/post the eventBehaviourAny thoughts/beliefs you had during/post the eventAny Realisation/Wisdom/Tendency/Pattren about yourself which has come into your awarenessEmotion felt during/post the event
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