“My stubbornness was not allowing me to attract love. I failed to recognize unconditional love and saw purpose behind it which threatened my belief system. I had chosen a path of ‘I, Me and Myself’ to look for ‘certainty’.”  

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MANTHAN-TREATMENT WEEK  

MAHABALIPURAM 

There were some stumbling blocks which kept on popping up and in spite of my best efforts, my faith was shaky. I knew my ‘sadhana’ was far from what I wanted it to be. There was a need to ‘fix’ it by identifying the blockages which were keeping me in a loop. That is where the retreat at Mahabalipuram came as a perfect opportunity to learn what was stopping me from turning inwards. 

The scope and the conduct of the Retreat opened out a vast expanse and allowed me to look at my attributes and patterns with a different perspective. As a mother I realized that my love for my children was backed by expectations and hence was not unconditional. The societal and survival fears had usurped my mind and created such a firm belief system that I always looked for certainty in life. In order to be sure that things happen in my way, I had chosen to remain in control of all activities of my children. The more I controlled them, more was the resistance…filling me with negative emotions of worries, anxiety and fear. I was transmitting these emotions back to my children also.  

I also witnessed moments where, although ‘love starved’, I could not recognize the love coming to me from others. Even the unconditional love from my mother was perceived differently by me and rejected due to ‘ ego’. My stubbornness was not allowing me to attract love. I failed to recognize unconditional love and saw purpose behind it which threatened my belief system. I had chosen a path of ‘I, Me and Myself’ to look for ‘certainty’. 

I was wondering how I perceived events, people, activities differently due to my beliefs and consequently was harming myself. When I looked into the journey so far, it occurred to me that I always took the path of surety …. a path which would give me definite results. Treading into unknown waters was a sure NO for me. I took pain where I was sure of the outcome. Realization came that I have a pattern of running away from pain. This pattern has been steering me to prefer ‘certainty’ to ‘curiosity’. 

The retreat at Mahabalipuram was different in its content and conduct. It created the conditions to allow me to look within, understand my pattern and question myself. I am extremely thankful to Naveen Sir and Simren ma’am for guiding me to this space…I now feel more intimate with myself. 

My learning : –  

1. I wanted ‘certainty’ and when it didn’t happen; I was surrounded by worries, anxiety and fear. I lacked patience and wanted immediate result. There was little ‘faith’. The awareness made me guilty and I realized that all throughout it was my ego and rigidity to hold high moral ground which suppressed the flow of unconditional love. 

1. I realized that my journey so far was fear driven and moving in the opposite direction looking for certainty. I was also not able to expand my consciousness due to this. The awareness shifted me towards wisdom, and I feel much lighter and at ease with myself. 

1. Accept people as they are…accept events as they come. Trying to change them to suit my belief only creates additional effort, more worries and unhappiness. Allow the love to flow freely. 

1. I have to make the stubbornness as my slogan….my pukar…to remind me of the harm I can do to others as I have done to myself by being stubborn. 

1. My rejection of feminity led to creation of a belief system which had a lot to do with my subsequent journey. I need to understand more about its manifestation and bring awareness on it. 

1. The awareness that came about my pattern of running away from pain made me look at life differently. I need to have patience, venture into unknown areas, witness the miracles that occur around me every moment and be curious. 

Home Support Post Retreat 

Home Support post Retreat helped me consolidate my learning. Thanks to my NV Life Coach Dr Anita ji for guiding me to realize the pain of my ecosystem, especially the unexpressed love and pain of my husband. Wondering into uncertainty of life, I witnessed the void created by me and consequent pain/ difficulties being faced by my husband and children. It filled me with pain, cried a lot…. slowly fell off to sleep. When I woke up, my entire body was full of peace and joy. I felt love coming to me from everyone; it was as if my heart had opened up. 

The realization strengthened my resolve to find my purpose…. felt if uncertainty gives so much love then flows with living life and love.  

Gratitude 

Sudipta 

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