Battling lung cancer turned her hopeless. She cures her cancer as the inner journey deepens, accepting love & welcoming faith.

“My stubbornness was not allowing me to attract love. I failed to recognize unconditional love and saw purpose behind it which threatened my belief system. I had chosen a path of ‘I, Me and Myself’ to look for ‘certainty’.”  

MANTHAN-TREATMENT WEEK  

MAHABALIPURAM 

There were some stumbling blocks which kept on popping up and in spite of my best efforts, my faith was shaky. I knew my ‘sadhana’ was far from what I wanted it to be. There was a need to ‘fix’ it by identifying the blockages which were keeping me in a loop. That is where the retreat at Mahabalipuram came as a perfect opportunity to learn what was stopping me from turning inwards. 

The scope and the conduct of the Retreat opened out a vast expanse and allowed me to look at my attributes and patterns with a different perspective. As a mother I realized that my love for my children was backed by expectations and hence was not unconditional. The societal and survival fears had usurped my mind and created such a firm belief system that I always looked for certainty in life. In order to be sure that things happen in my way, I had chosen to remain in control of all activities of my children. The more I controlled them, more was the resistance…filling me with negative emotions of worries, anxiety and fear. I was transmitting these emotions back to my children also.  

I also witnessed moments where, although ‘love starved’, I could not recognize the love coming to me from others. Even the unconditional love from my mother was perceived differently by me and rejected due to ‘ ego’. My stubbornness was not allowing me to attract love. I failed to recognize unconditional love and saw purpose behind it which threatened my belief system. I had chosen a path of ‘I, Me and Myself’ to look for ‘certainty’. 

I was wondering how I perceived events, people, activities differently due to my beliefs and consequently was harming myself. When I looked into the journey so far, it occurred to me that I always took the path of surety …. a path which would give me definite results. Treading into unknown waters was a sure NO for me. I took pain where I was sure of the outcome. Realization came that I have a pattern of running away from pain. This pattern has been steering me to prefer ‘certainty’ to ‘curiosity’. 

The retreat at Mahabalipuram was different in its content and conduct. It created the conditions to allow me to look within, understand my pattern and question myself. I am extremely thankful to Naveen Sir and Simren ma’am for guiding me to this space…I now feel more intimate with myself. 

My learning : –  

  1. I wanted ‘certainty’ and when it didn’t happen; I was surrounded by worries, anxiety and fear. I lacked patience and wanted immediate result. There was little ‘faith’. The awareness made me guilty and I realized that all throughout it was my ego and rigidity to hold high moral ground which suppressed the flow of unconditional love. 
  1. I realized that my journey so far was fear driven and moving in the opposite direction looking for certainty. I was also not able to expand my consciousness due to this. The awareness shifted me towards wisdom, and I feel much lighter and at ease with myself. 
  1. Accept people as they are…accept events as they come. Trying to change them to suit my belief only creates additional effort, more worries and unhappiness. Allow the love to flow freely. 
  1. I have to make the stubbornness as my slogan….my pukar…to remind me of the harm I can do to others as I have done to myself by being stubborn. 
  1. My rejection of feminity led to creation of a belief system which had a lot to do with my subsequent journey. I need to understand more about its manifestation and bring awareness on it. 
  1. The awareness that came about my pattern of running away from pain made me look at life differently. I need to have patience, venture into unknown areas, witness the miracles that occur around me every moment and be curious. 

Home Support Post Retreat 

Home Support post Retreat helped me consolidate my learning. Thanks to my NV Life Coach Dr Anita ji for guiding me to realize the pain of my ecosystem, especially the unexpressed love and pain of my husband. Wondering into uncertainty of life, I witnessed the void created by me and consequent pain/ difficulties being faced by my husband and children. It filled me with pain, cried a lot…. slowly fell off to sleep. When I woke up, my entire body was full of peace and joy. I felt love coming to me from everyone; it was as if my heart had opened up. 

The realization strengthened my resolve to find my purpose…. felt if uncertainty gives so much love then flows with living life and love.  

Gratitude 

Sudipta 

Responses

While drawing our algorithm, we start with identifying our symptoms. Do we look at our symptoms of today or from our childhood? Our tendencies also seem like they are about today and not from our childhood. How should I interpret this?

You can start with identifying your symptoms today and make your Algorithm identifying your Lack, Tendency and Pattern. It may seem like the tendencies are loud and clear today. This is only because as an adult, you are either more aware of it, or the tendency is more pronounced. However, if you go back to that age group of 7-14, you will find that the same tendency existed back then as well.  

For example – your lack is abandonment and so your tendency is need to prove/ excel. As an adult, you try extremely hard to prove yourself at work, but maybe as a ten-year-old you wanted to make sure that you win a colouring competition or feel worthy by collecting the maximum number of berries or fruits. 

 So, you would notice how the nature of tendency existed even back then – sometimes subtly, sometimes pronounced. It is just a matter of developing sensitivity to recognize it in that time and space. However, you can always work with current scenarios. 

Now that I have made my algorithm and have identified my lack, what do I do with this? Do I have to re-visit my childhood?

In every moment of disappointment – current or past, you can experience the lack. There are two ways to attend to the lack, once identified – 

  1.  You may simply keep your Algorithm/Lack in awareness by writing the events of the current time and go into breathing 
  2. You can revisit your childhood and write about moments that you experienced the Lack/Algorithm and once you have written a few events (in detail), you may lay down and begin to observe your breath. 

In either of the processes, your Algorithm/lack is in your complete awareness and observing your breath after this would only bring an expansion in your awareness. 

After finding my LTP and mapping my algorithm, I can see how I have suffered in my childhood and continue to do so. What can I do to remedy this and reverse my suffering?

 Since you are seeking the cure, you must know that state of meditation is the state of cure. The more you are in this state, the more you move towards light, thus curing your suffering.  

All the things which come into your awareness, must now be attended to by Observing your breath. For process of attending to what has surfaced, refer to Ques no 8 

Now that I have made my algorithm and have identified my lack, what do I do with this? Do I have to re-visit my childhood?

In every moment of disappointment – current or past, you can experience the lack. There are two ways to attend to the lack, once identified – 

  1.  You may simply keep your Algorithm/Lack in awareness by writing the events of the current time and go into breathing 
  1. You can revisit your childhood and write about moments that you experienced the Lack/Algorithm and once you have written a few events (in detail), you may lay down and begin to observe your breath. 

In either of the processes, your Algorithm/lack is in your complete awareness and observing your breath after this would only bring an expansion in your awareness.