I look in the mirror,
Searching for ME.
But all I see,
Is a blank Canvas….
No identity no ME.
A flash of panic!!!!
Where is the woman,
I had so proudly and lovingly nurtured?
The faint smile,
The seductive eyes (If I may…..)
The cool breezy woman,
Who loved to lock herself in isolation.
This is all I want to see of ME.
And I’ll show the world even less.
This was the balm of ego I had put years ago on my pain.
Everything was the way I had planned,
But alas the master n coach had other plans!!!!!
My fake persona was washed away by the waves of realisations……….leaving me with a VOID so vast……blank, a dull sadness, a state of Shoonya…..I stood helplessly as all the colours I had put on my soul to protect and survive were washed away, one by one, my ego lying on the floor…… very deliberately by Naveen Sir, Anjana, Tulika, Mihir Ji, Rajat and all the loving souls at the Pondicherry Retreat….I can’t thank you all enough.
Fourteen months back the very first wisdom given to me by Naveen sir was the importance of being AUTHENTIC to self. When I look around me I see such authentic souls that it fills me with disgust for my own lack of it. It always helped to keep my pride intact and the pain at bay…..well kab tak?
The lectures by Sir had already started moving so much inside, the resistance was high – to the extent I was, I think, the last one to be able to confirm my name for the retreat. Throughout being guided by Sir and Anjana on working on my resistance. We all reached Auroville “The Quiet Healing Centre” and immediately were engulfed with the tranquility and peace. I remember looking at the Great Ocean and the realisation of myself being only a drop in the ocean of existence just seeped in leaving, a deep longing to merge with the source of my existence. Only one prayer in my heart……Dear God…..iss baar mujhe mujhse mila de…..
I have had the good fortune of attending SVAHA in November 2017. Svaha transformed me….I had witnessed how much Naveen sir and each of my SVAHA mates could give, unconditionally selflessly…..something I still need to learn.
Well the master hasn’t changed a bit, but this time the Program was absolutely different. We were refrained from referring to the book and we practiced none of the techniques which are now an integral part of our lifestyles. Plus I had a roomie who looked at me and was like Who the hell are you!!!!! Well it was the same here. Took me two whole days to be able to speak with her and there was no turning back, I was totally in love with her. She opened me to my deeper layers. Being the quiet reserved kinds as a child, I always dreamt of being bold and confident like her. But when I was with her, I told her, Thank God I am not like you!!!! God that was THE JUDGMENTAL ME !!!! We are like two sides of the same coin.
On the first day itself the foundation of the program was clearly taught by our mentor. Sir said to be an NVLIFE expert you need to believe in the Science of giving. We learnt how on working on years 21 – 14 we can see the soul pattern and understand where the life force energy is stuck. Based on this, reversing to 14 – 7 and 7 – 0, freeing ourselves from the patterns becomes much easier. Though I have a long long way to go, but the path has been paved by our mentor. WE…… all participants became coach and coachee to each other. It was uncanny to discover how much we had in common with the partners we were clubbed with. We learnt the science of diagnostics, finding the crack, analysing the patterns and reaching the root cause of our coachee’s suffering and in the process seeing our own patterns.
FUTURE HUNTING was a new concept and very interesting to work on. The day of FUTURE HUNTING was the day which actually kind of answered my prayer…… इस बार मुझे मुझ से मिलादे…..I was just not able to see myself in anything worthwhile in the future. It caught and sucked me into a whirlpool of intense feeling of unworthiness. No matter how much I tried to swim to the safety of blocking the pain it pulled me harder into its chaos. That evening finally the mist cleared. Like always, Naveen sir just knew what needs to be done. He wiped the mirror clean clearing the mist of ignorance. My pattern and my root cause of suffering was laid out on a platter for me to take. For days I just looked at the platter with fear and repulsion. I again found solace in my isolation, pushed up my chin and hid my pain. When I finally gathered the courage to take from the platter , came in the gushing grief along with a sense of freedom.
Reversing beliefs empowered and freed us from our self created cages. The exhilarating freedom which comes with reversing a limiting belief was amazing. We also worked on case studies of patients with chronic issues. The whole intense process of eight days was so educative and took us deeper into identifying our patterns. For me it was as if a maze had suddenly lifted, a huge weight was lifted from my spirit. I was initiated into another transformation by my mentor……the only way I can show my gratitude for all the blessings is by staying authentic to myself, difficult but not impossible.
Yes a drop in the ocean…….
हाथ डाला था उस अनंत सागर में सोच कर की दो बूंद अपने लिए ले जाउंगी I
मुठी खोली तो सिर्फ रेत मिली I
मुस्कुरा कर सागर में ही समा गयी I
अब इस वजूद से मोह नही I
In one of the most beautiful lectures on PAUSE Naveen sir said……..
माया हो सकती है की आप भूल जाए खुद से मिलना, आप भूल जाएं खुद को ढूंढना और याद भी आए तो आप को पता नही चले की कैसे ढूढ़ना है, मिल भी जाए तो पहचान न पाओ की मिल चुके हो तुम खुद से, ये भी संभव है की खुद को पाने के बाद तुम्हे यह न समझ में आए की खुद का क्या करें…… पर यह संभव नही की हर पल में वह तुम्हारे को तुम्हारा एहसास न दिलाए…..
Well the mist from the mirror has lifted. Who I see in the reflection is not someone I am familiar with. She has no name, she has no identity. She often smiles and looks at me as if she knows me……